


Days passing by

by cottonscent



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: A bit angsty but still soft, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), Ambiguous/Open Ending, Appreciate Stanley Uris, Birb boy falls in love, Childhood Memories, Depression, First Love, Friendship/Love, Growing Up, How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know, I Love Stanley Uris, I Tried, Insecure Stanley Uris, Losers Club (IT) Friendship, M/M, Mike Hanlon is a Good Friend, Minor Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Minor Bill Denbrough/Stanley Uris, Multi, Non-Explicit, Open to Interpretation, Random & Short, Retrospective, Sad with a Happy Ending, Slice of Life, Stanley Uris Needs a Hug, Stanley Uris-centric, Supportive Losers Club (IT), Teenage Losers Club (IT), but this is tbh not a stenbrough fic first and foremost, it's just about stanley, this is very soft, very innocent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-01-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:08:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22257721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cottonscent/pseuds/cottonscent
Summary: One year ends and another one begins. Stanley spends the night in his bedroom, reviewing past the twelve months with great melancholy. He had lots of fun this year and he recalls many good memories, but somehow they feel like a part of a past, just old memorials from a former life. Maybe it was time and circumstances that caught up, maybe it was the insecurities he had tried to ignore for too long, maybe hormones, fate, unlucky coincidence or something else - the reason doesn't matter as much as the fact that Stanley had his first serious encounter with depression - and a crush on top of that.
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Bill Denbrough/Stanley Uris, Stanley Uris & Everyone, The Losers Club & Stanley Uris
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	Days passing by

**Author's Note:**

> Hey!!
> 
> The story behind this fiction is simple: I was alone on new years eve so I projected my guts out onto Stan the Man. He's such an under appreciated character so I wanted to contribute with some new content to the fandom. Voilà. That's how this happened. It was pretty much written in one sitting, I've only edited a little bit since. It's not the best thing I've ever written, it's sort of messy and there's no proper plot...?? But I thought it was still worth posting it, so here you go. I hope you'll like it.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

Stanley sat down at his desk and opened the book in front of him. The lamp threw just enough light for him to see the text but his bedroom was pretty dark otherwise. His bed was made but the duvet was too wrinkly for his liking and he had not switched out the sheets in way too long (thirteen days to be precise). He told himself that he didn’t care anymore, but he did. The messiness bothered him. The old tea cup from yesterday was mocking him from the night table, its presence was like an uncomfortable little rock in the shoe, not doing much but still annoying him all the time.

The problem was that although he cared, he didn’t care enough to actually bring it down to the kitchen and get some clean bedsheets to fix the problem. He was stuck somewhere in between. Reading made him feel better though, at least for as long as he was captivated by the stories and the interesting facts because it made him forget about the world.

Tonight it was impossible to ignore the world outside though. There were unusually many pedestrians passing by outside on the street. He could see their heads from above, all moving in a consistent stream. He could hear their laughter and voices through the window glass, muffled and yet distinct. Stanley had to reread the same paragraph over and over again because his attention kept drifting back to the people outside and all of it filled him up with both exhilaration and sadness.

It was new years eve. Again. Felt like the year passed in a flash but when he looked back at everything he had done that year he could barely believe just how much he had crammed into so few days. Twelve months wasn’t a lot but somehow time had the propensity to change its pace, sometimes rushing, sometimes standing completely still.

Stanley went to Texas in February with his family. Spent two whole weeks just wandering around with his binoculars. The climate differed a lot from the one up in Maine so the wildlife couldn’t rationally be the same but he was still surprised by how many new species he spotted there. It was a fun trip but he never told anyone much about it since he knew very well that nobody shared his fascination of birds. Didn’t want to bore them. Those two weeks passed very quickly but he kept thinking about the trip even after coming back to Derry. He didn’t expect it to, but the days in Texas somehow made an impact on him, left a permanent mark.

In March he let Beverly give him a makeover. No particular reason. She just asked if he would let her and he said yes. She was really into fashion these days, Bev. Beverly had always been pretty, even Stanley could admit that, but she never came across as fashionable to him. She was too tomboyish, too rough to care about such things, so when she dragged him around the mall and made him try on all sorts of garments he was skeptical at first. He didn’t even recognize himself in the dressing room’s mirror.

They stopped to get some milkshakes and bagels too. Stanley also turned the tables and made her to try some really swanky dresses on. They had a lot of fun that day. He didn’t feel entirely comfortable with the idea of a drastic change, but going shopping with a friend was nice at least and he knew that he needed a change deep down. He wasn’t sure exactly what sort of change but he had faith in Beverly’s intuition. When she told him that he’d look fantastic in some more laid back clothing, he just went along with it without asking any further questions.

When the spring came around Stanley had a new style waiting for him in his closet (and no money waiting for him in his wallet, but whatever, it was worth it). He still had his khakis and button-ups stored under his bed - just in case he’d chicken out - but he actually loved the feeling of putting on some edgier, casual stuff in the morning. He also brought out his sneakers. Walking to school without the heavy boots felt like bouncing, like he was weightless, floating. He felt like a brand new person and that was a good thing. He couldn’t hold his smile back when he came to school and his friends gaped in awe when he came walking across the school yard.

”Who are you?! What did you do to our Stan?!” Richie had yelled, arms in the air, and soon everyone spun him around, inspected the look and overwhelmed him with praise.

Stanley made sure to tell everyone that it was Beverly’s work, he was just wearing it, but he still felt a peculiar warmth inside. They had never told him that his previous style was ugly or anything but they had never told him so many nice things either before. Stanley hated to admit it but he loved the attention and for that reason he decided to love the tees and the denim jacket too, even though they felt wrong on his body.

Continuously throughout the day he received compliments and questions about the new style and everyone else seemed more excited about this than Stan himself. Bill was the only one who didn’t say anything, he just stared but something about his gaze made Stanley feel hotter than Richie’s comments (”You’re so sexy, Stan, did you know that? Damn, look at this! Ten out of ten, very fuckable, Richie Tozier approves!”). Looking back, Stanley knew that this was the point when he couldn’t deny it anymore and he was a fool who thought he’d just get over it.

By the time the summer vacation started Stanley had slowly drifted back to the comfort of his old familiar style, he didn’t even notice the transitioning but perhaps it just wasn’t meant to be. Stanley wasn’t cool, period. Once his friends were used to see him in those clothes and stopped telling him how great he looked every two minutes, he got sick of the theatre - but he still wore the denim jacket every day and although he had a large collection of other explanations, he still knew that every time he threw the jacket on he hoped that Bill was going to do it again - look at him like he did that time. Just thinking about it made him feel a bit dizzy.

”Dizziness could be a symptom of a brain tumor, you know, so you should probably look that up, Stan. Seriously. Tumors are often fatal so you don’t want to take any risks with this. It’s better to see a doctor and have them take a look at it, just to be sure, that’s my advice anyway!” Eddie said when Stanley briefly mentioned feeling a bit weird lately and he immediately regretted saying anything at all.

It was hopeless because no matter how much he tried to talk himself out of it or suffocate the feelings until they burned out, they still somehow found a way to resurface. It seemed to be entirely beyond his control and logic didn’t resonate with the feeling at all. It was just an untamed, wild energy that simmered inside. It turned him into a fool, it made him do humiliating things (such as reading cheesy novels, smiling to himself at the wrong time, wearing stupid clothing to impress and a bunch of other things he’d never admit).

Bill caused Stanley a lot of trouble by just existing and being himself, and a lot of nights Stan stayed awake at night with a burning frustration raging in his mind, but every morning when he arrived at school and Bill greeted him with a smile, everything was forgiven. All the worries and frustrations were immediately washed away, because when Bill was right there in front of him, the dizziness made perfect sense. It was a bigger mystery how people could interact with Bill without feeling a bit fussy inside.

”Bill is like a superhero, isn’t he? He’s the coolest. He always finds a way to save the day!” Mike said once, it was when he first joined the Losers and everyone hummed in agreement.

They were still kids and building the club house at the time. He wiped some sweat off his forehead and leaned against the shovel. Everybody else had stopped working too. It was as if time stopped while they watched Bill’s frame disappear in the distance. He had tied the sleeves of his shirt around his neck so the rest of the fabric billowed behind him, just like a superhero.

”I don’t even think he finds a way to save the day, the day is simply saved the moment he shows up - that’s how cool he is!” Eddie sighed. He had a dreamy haziness in his eyes as he spoke.

”A marvelous young sir, Bill Denbrough! Utterly magnificent!” Richie cackled in his awful British accent. This made everyone crack up and the captivated aura broke. They went back to work, kept digging while Ben instructing them.

Stanley threw another glance in the direction where Bill had went. He was out of sight already, probably straddling Silver and kicking off at full speed in this very moment. Stanley could clearly see it in his mind although he was just looking out over the wild lands, and he knew that the red headed boy with the bike was no superhero to him.

Bill could be too stubborn, too impulsive, too selfish, his ideas weren’t necessarily better than anybody else’s and his stutter was sometimes unbearable to listen to. Sometimes it seemed like Stanley was the only one who could see those things. Sometimes it seemed like Stanley was the only one who could see that Bill was just Bill and he didn’t need to be anything more than that.

Thinking of Bill like a normal guy was soothing, it made everything less intimating because Stanley was after all not crushing on G-d himself, so to speak - but it did still not change the fact that Bill was in a league of his own, far beyond Stanley - and the problem was that if even an incredible guy like Bill had some flaws, that meant Stanley was abounding of them. Annoying quirks, poor decisions, stupid habits, ugly features… Just thinking about it made him ache in discomfort. He was aware of some of his own flaws, but surely not all of them. What if his friends could see irksome things in him that he couldn't see himself? Did Bill notice those? How bad was it? How long would it take before they got fed up with it and left him behind?

”Sorry, I have practice with the track team, can’t today. How about this weekend?”

”No, sorry, man. I promised this guy that I’d show up. Party at his place. You could come along, if you’d like? I’m sure he wouldn’t mind!”

”Yeah, sure, I’ll join you guys once I’m done. See you at the theater then!”

Perhaps he was overreacting because Stanley knew that statistically (he did actually count) the Losers still prioritized each other in the majority of the cases, but it felt like something had slowly started to change. Back in the days none of them had any other friends at all so they only spent time with each other, now there were new people - people who were not losers - involved in their lives. Stanley didn’t know why, it was just a gut feeling, but he sensed that the Losers time together would one day come to an end. The question was just when. How long would it take before they realized that Stanley wasn’t worth their time?

The last weeks of school were filled with simmering anticipation, summer being the only thing that mattered. Richie had the best grades as usual and Stanley was soft of disgruntled by this - as usual. But it was fine. Summer vacation was just around the corner and it was impossible to not feel happy when the sun rays beamed into the classrooms and it was possible to wear shorts again without freezing all day (it was only a bit nippy in the early morning before the sun had done its magic to the world, but Stanley actually liked the feeling of heading out the door in the crisp morning air). Stanley kept the denim jacket on even when the temperatures were peaking.

”I’m glad you liked so much, Stan. It looks great on you, but just so you know, I won’t be offended if you take it off!” Beverly laughed and nudged him gently in the side. Stanley just chuckled. He didn’t say that he didn’t think of her when he put it on in the morning.

The school hallways felt like a sauna some days but the unpleasant stickiness and the smell of sweat and perfume in the humid air sparked some kind of nostalgia that was oddly nice. Stanley strongly associated those things with the last days of school because it was the same way every year. There was a different ambience lingering in the air too, a torpid easiness, as if the students had mentally gone on vacation already. Nobody fussed about tests or assignments anymore, those things were left behind in the past and everyone seemed to have reached a state where nothing really mattered anymore.

”This is going to be the best summer ever!” Beverly cheered, throwing her hands up in the air like a pastor towards the clear blue sky when they left the school building. She said this every year and everyone agreed but what nobody knew was that in the beginning of July Ben and Beverly would become a thing. 

Everyone had seen it coming and they made a cute couple, but it sort of threw off the pace, it made everything a bit weird. Richie, Stan and Eddie had met up one day to eat some ice cream, but there was something heavy hanging in the air. It wasn’t until just before they parted to go home that Eddie blurted:

”Do you think Bill is okay?”

Nobody had any answer to that. They anxiously looked at each other and without even saying anything they knew, they were thinking the same thing - he’s not okay and that’s a catastrophe because if Big Bill is not okay then who’s going to set things right? Bill was simply the one who fixed things so there was routine for what to do if Bill was the one who needed to be fixed. An abrupt veer was inevitable from here. This only fueled Stanley’s worries regarding the club splitting up. The feeling of running out of time made him feel physically sick, like an ailing man with a shortened life expectancy.

This was at around midsummer which meant that the sun was blazing outside, it was hot and humid and mosquitoes all around, but it also meant that Derry was empty and lifeless. Anybody who had the chance to get out of town left as soon as they could. Bill went to a summer camp only days after the vacation started so he didn’t know much about anything. It was a camp for teenagers with speech impediments near the Canadian border (”It’s bh-bhu-bhullshit. It won’t h-he-help. I’ll go oh-ohnly to make my pa-paren-ts happy.”) which meant that it was a safe distance away from Ben and Beverly’s dates.

Bill wasn’t the only one who had gone away. Mike was in Florida and Ben was going to take a special summer class in Augusta to get some extra merits that could be useful when applying for collage. He didn’t seem too happy about leaving his first girlfriend behind to study but it was only for a while.

”I’ll call you as often as I can! Every day! I’ll call you in the morning, at lunch if I can find a phone and when I get home!” he promised, sounding almost frantic. He held her hands and looked like he was about to cry.

”No, Ben, please don’t do that,” Bev rolled her eyes but definitely blushed. Ben gave her a panicked look and he seemed to be thinking that this rejection was equivalent to breaking up. This made Bev laugh. She leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. Stanley uncomfortably looked away and Richie made vomit sounds, which was a surprisingly efficient way to make the situation less awkward because it made everyone laugh.

”I won’t stay inside waiting by the phone all summer, that’s why, silly! I’ll be outside having fun with these guys!” she said and gestured towards Eddie, Stanley and Richie.

”Right! We’ll take care of her, Haystack! In all sorts of ways! She’ll have the time of her life with us, don’t worry! She’s going to have the best summer ever!” Richie announced, voice sounding like a commercial, wiggling his eyebrows.

Beverly rolled her eyes at him before turning back to Ben. There was a new seriousness in her face. She put a hand on Ben’s shoulder and looked him in the eyes. Stanley felt incredibly awkward once again by their intimacy. Why did they even come here all at once? This was just Ben and Bev being cute and three other guys third-wheeling. This proved why dating within the group was a bad idea, it ruined the friendship, and this realization made Stanley very queasy (not that he’d ever have a chance with Bill anyway, but still…).

”I’ll be fine and you should focus on your studies, not think about me all the time, okay? This is important for you and it’d be a waste of your talent to miss this opportunity. Besides, do you really think my dad would let me talk on the phone with a boy? He’d kill me, Ben. And then he’d kill you. So don’t call. Just have fun, enjoy your classes and once you get back in Derry we can talk about everything, okay?”

With those words said, Ben hugged everyone goodbye and went home. Stanley spotted the car rolling out of Derry later that day. Ben sat on the passenger’s seat, his mother driving. Don’t mess this up, I beg you, Stanley pleaded. He hoped that if Ben could hear his thoughts if he just tried hard enough to send the message. Ben didn’t seem to notice him, he kept talking to his mom and didn’t even look in Stanley’s direction.

”Don’t mess this up, Ben,” Stanley said softly, this time out loud. He must have looked like a crazy person who was talking to himself but there was no one else around. It was worth a try. Don’t mess it up, Ben, please don’t mess it up. Then the car turned left and disappeared out of sight.

It was excruciatingly boring and lonely when half of the club were out of town, but it was also a relief to know that the Bill-Ben-Bev issue got postponed until the start of the school semester since they wouldn’t have to see each other again before then. For this reason Stanley spent the days hanging out with whoever was available and they just did what they’d usually do - go to the quarry, hang out in the barrens, eat, talk, read, sit in silence… and everything actually felt pretty normal, as if they dwelled in the tranquil eye of a storm.

The summer’s pungent scents pervaded all around. Flourishing vegetation, sunscreen, warm asphalt, the Kenduskeag’s waters, sweat, newly baked cake (best enjoyed at the Toziers’ front porch with a glass of lemonade) and the lukewarm, languid air that replaced the heat as soon as the sun set. It was a lovely summer. Even the rainy days were nice, Stan really enjoyed staying indoors with a book, listening to the drops smattering against the roof but he also liked to grab an umbrella and head out to watch the birds. He found that they were adorable when nuzzling in the tree tops, using the leaves as shields from the rain. He bluntly assumed that nobody wanted to go outside to watch birds with him so he always went alone, but it was very soothing to get some alone time so he didn’t mind.

This was how he had spent the past couple of summers, now that they were too old to build fortresses and play pretend. Stanley missed it sometimes, but it was mostly because he felt like nothing new had filled out the empty gap left behind since age had the temerity to snatch the fun childhood games away. He had everything he needed, everything was nice and yet he had a profound feeling that something was missing, so he was actually relieved when it was time to go back to school again. That meant that he could fill his days with classes and homework instead of contemplating.

Oh, how time passed quickly. Stanley was suddenly struck by an intense vertigo when thinking about it. It felt like their middle school days happened just yesterday and at the same time it felt like the first semester of his junior year went on for an entirety. He was only relived about being back in school for a couple of days, a week at most, and then he spent the rest of the time longing for the winter holidays, that never seemed to come. With the consistently dull weather greeting him every morning, the regular routines and the same nagging thoughts in his head, it somehow felt like he was trapped in a time loop. The same day repeated itself over and over again and whatever force held him trapped refused to let him go, no matter how hard he tried to break free.

A firework exploded outside. It filled the sky with bright red sparkled for a second and then it was gone. What a suitable timing, Stanley chuckled mirthlessly to himself, the fireworks are just like life itself. An eccentric flash of excitement and then it’s gone.

He looked down at the book again but it only confirmed what he already knew - he couldn’t concentrate. That was another thing he had to get used to throughout the fall - the fogginess - like his mind was filled with a thick, grey, fog. Some days were better than others but it was still devastating to realize that he couldn’t even engage himself in activities he used to find comforting anymore. Reading, studying, calculating, watching TV and listen to the radio. He just couldn’t follow. This became a major obstacle in school as well.

In his drawer, hidden amid the clothes, he had tucked in his grades. The paper sheet with its loud letters and the disdainful comment that his headteacher had scribbled below: ”What happened?? See me after Christmas!” It was written with a red felt-tip and when Stanley saw it for the first time, he thought it looked like blood. It was just grades and he knew that he could brush them up later, but he was also aware that this was the ultimate sign of how he had slipped and spiraled lately.

Stanley was very eager to get back to the safety of routines when August approached. He didn’t opt for a new start, a new image or whatever (he already had his makeover in the spring so enough of that), but the mundane lameness appealed to him. He missed having a schedule to follow.

For some reason, and it wasn’t until he actually went back to school that he realized it, he had been very troubled by uncertainty throughout the summer - the uncertainty of not knowing if there was a conflict in the club, if Bill was upset, if he had fallen behind the rest (it was seriously misleading to refer to their clique like losers because everyone - except for Stanley - had grown to be so cool) and not knowing what to do next. Stanley hated the uncertainty. He wanted to know things. He liked things to be concise and in order.

But he soon found out that all the fussing had been in vain. Perhaps Ben had heard his prayer? It only took a couple of hours to settle into the new dynamic of Bev and Ben being a couple, it happened to naturally it almost seemed like it had always been that way. Ben was radiating a new sort of confidence and he was smiling more than ever. Stanley could see in his eyes how he looked at Beverly with all the love in the world and this was truly delighting to see. And yet there was something that pestered him about it, an uncomfortable stir inside, as if his organs sat in the wrong place and his skin felt a bit too tight. Perhaps it was jealousy? He wasn’t even sure himself, but he felt like a terrible friend for not feeling happier for them, for letting his own insecurities bleed into the situation.

”I was afraid that they were going to… you know… make out all the time and be that annoying couple… but this was just the first day. Maybe they’ll start acting all gross eventually, they’re just a bit shy now in the beginning, who knows?” Eddie had said when they went home from school.

He had both hands stuffed in his pockets, with plenty of space since he had decided to not carry the respirator around anymore. That was his fresh start this year, it seemed, and it scared Stanley a little bit. He didn’t expect Eddie to ever let go of the respirator. That was almost a bigger happening than Beverly and Ben being a couple. The only thing that measured in terms of chocking news was Richie’s contacts, or rather - his lack of glasses. But Mike was still the same and when he made Eddie and Stan company on the way home, his presence coming across like a secure anchor when everything else was floating away.

His skin was a shade darker because of the summer sun and it made his teeth look whiter. Overall he looked very healthy and content. The weather was still pleasant and Mike had already told them all about Florida with great enthusiasm. 

”I don’t mind them having a honeymoon phase, they’ve been crushing on each other for so long, let them have their fun! I think it’s cool as long as they don’t ditch us!” Mike laughed warmly and seemed completely unbothered by Eddie’s worries, ”I think it’s up to us to make sure it doesn’t get awkward. If we just take it easy and don’t make a big deal out of this I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

Stanley had missed Mike’s optimism and friendly attitude. Mike dunked Eddie a couple of times in the back which made him ease up. It made Stanley feel calmer too. For a second a thought flashed through his brain and for some reason he regretted thinking it, it was sort of embarrassing, but it couldn’t be undone - he had thought that Mike was more of a superhero than Bill ever was to him. He wasn’t in love with Mike, definitely not, but Mike had an aura and a gentle confidence that resonated perfectly with his own. Mike had a good influence on him. That much he could admit to himself, but thinking of Mike as a superhero was pathetic…

”See you tomorrow!” 

They parted and Stanley felt okay as he walked the rest of the way home, but as soon as he was back home in his bedroom he was struck by the same uncertain anxiety that had bugged him all summer - maybe even worse this time - because Bill didn’t show up at school. They were just six that day. Bill’s absence echoed loudly. He said that he was sick but Stanley doubted it. He suspected that Bill just stayed at home to avoid seeing Beverly with Ben and this was exactly the worst case scenario that he had feared all summer.

But on Wednesday that same week Bill showed up at school. His nose was flushed red, his voice sounded raspier than usual and he coughed every two minutes, so this confirmed that he was actually sick that first day. Albeit his lingering cold, Bill looked happy to be back. He greeted everyone with a smile and proceeded to ask Ben if the summer classes went well (stutter still present, the camp didn’t seem to work). Stanley glanced at him every chance he could get to make sure that everything was okay and this went on for the next three weeks (just in case), but Bill only seemed happier for every passing day since the cold finally went away. This left Stanley in confusion of course, but he was happy that everything turned out fine, well, for everyone else at least.

Realizing that the Losers Club was going to remain intact in August brought the excitement of a bursting firework, but the fun didn’t last for long.

The fall came. The green leaves turned yellow, the air got chillier and the rain fell over Derry more frequently. Some of the birds started preparing themselves for their annual escape to a warmer climate, the rest fattened up for the winter. Stanley bought some seeds that he could feed them since he heard that it was going to be a particularly harsh winter this year.

Even when Stanley was cuddled up in blankets at home, a cup of reeking hot tea in his hands and a cosy candle lit on his desk, he still felt cold. It wasn’t just the snowflakes that swirled around in the air outside, it was a coldness that emerged from within. He felt dull and empty and gloomy and all sorts of things and at the same time he felt nothing at all. It was truly a terrifying feeling because he couldn’t explain it or understand it. Where did it come from? Why did it happen to him? He didn’t even tell Eddie about it because he knew that it wasn’t a normal disease, Eddie wouldn’t understand. It was just a feeling.

Richie kept making his jokes, they did fun things together after school and Stanley did laugh as much as he always had - but that wasn’t very much. Why did he have to be so serious all the time? He knew why, he had thought about that plenty already, but still… why? He was afraid, so very afraid - of everything. He just didn’t want to do anything wrong and that fear made him do everything wrong instead. He was a boring loser. Too neat, mature for his age, intellectual, so correct all the time… and perhaps that was a good thing at the age of ten, it was the sort of kid that adults praised and rewarded, but at the age of sixteen…? It wasn’t a good thing anymore.

All of his friends were letting go of their fears, they were moving on. Eddie finally told his mom to leave him alone, Richie dared to be low-key in between his jokes, Beverly learned that she was the only one who could define her, Ben overcame his body insecurities, Mike stood up for himself and refused to be kind to the ones who didn’t treat him right and Bill had learned how to cope with the loss in better ways, without blaming himself for everything - all of them had made so much progress and none of them were losers anymore. They had made new friends along the way, they got invited to parties sometimes and Richie was actually so popular these days after he did a spontaneous standup performance in the lunch hall last year that random kids stopped him in the hallways to ask him if he could do some more shows or give him a high-five.

The only one who had not made any progress, not met any new friends, none of that, was Stanley. He was still a loser and he couldn’t keep up with the group anymore. It was painfully apparent when he listed everybody's achievements and failures that he was the odd one out. His list was full of failures but barely any achievements.

The seven of them still spent more time with each other than anybody else, but when Stanley sat there all alone in his room, surrounded by lame books about birds and math and jewish studies like a miserable misfit, he couldn’t help but to wonder if they actually kept him in their circle because they wanted him to be there or if they just didn’t have the nerve to tell him that they had grown apart.

They always promised him that they’d never grow apart, that they’d remain friends forever… but that was then. Kids don’t keep promises because they don’t know what it actually means. Things change. People change. It’s just fate so Stanley wouldn’t even blame them if they got sick of him and broke the promise. If anything, he was surprised that they had kept him around for so long!

Throughout all of November and December Stanley gradually started to distance himself. It was never his intention, it just happened because he felt so tired and desolate all the time and didn’t want to bother the rest with his (more than usual) boringness. They’d have more fun without him there bringing the mood down anyway, he told himself. This part of the year seemed muddled and defused when thinking back at it, despite that it happened so recently. Stanley's memories from the Texas trip at the beginning of the year and the spring were clearer.

”Stan, what’s up, really?” Mike had asked him one Tuesday afternoon. He had a concerned look on his face, one eyebrow slightly raised above the other. He didn’t seem entirely comfortable with this confrontation, he kept shifting around and held his books in a rather cramp-like grip.

Stanley had just told him that he was going home, which was odd since they had a routine of going to the Derry library to study after school. It was usually Stan, Mike, Ben and Eddie who went, but sometimes Richie, Bill and Bev came along. Richie never studied though (how he managed to get straight A’s remained an enigma) but they usually brought some snacks along to keep him occupied. It had been a ritual since their freshman year, Tuesday studies in the library. It was almost a sacred ritual, that’s why it was alarming when Stanley didn’t want to go.

”It’s nothing. I just don’t feel like it today,” Stanley answered.

He avoided looking Mike in the eyes because he knew that he wouldn’t be able to keep himself composed if he did. He could feel a thick lump in his throat and he almost felt dizzy - but not in a happy way. It was a horrifying dizziness, it felt as if the walls were collapsing and the floor was rickety beneath his feet, the thick grey fog covered everything and it was hard to breath. All he knew was that he needed to get home. Now. He’d probably run all the way.

”Look… I know you’ve been… I don’t know… sad? I know you haven’t felt great lately and that’s okay. Just talk to us if you want to, okay? We’re losers, remember? All of us have gone through things. I guess it catches up sometimes. We understand,” Mike said.

Stanley swallowed, hoping that the lump would go away, but it didn’t. Some part of him wanted to stay, wanted to listen, wanted to explain, wanted to laugh at Richie’s lame jokes and hear Ben explaining science stuff to them - but an even stronger force inside him screeched, telling him to go home instead.

”Okay,” Stan said and nodded shortly. The word barely made it past his lips, it came out like a weak squeak. He wasn’t even sure if Mike had heard him, but he could feel the tears coming and he didn’t want anybody to see so he turned around and hurried off.

The winter holiday finally came and Stan was excited about that since he had been looking forward to it ever since the beginning of the school year until he realized that he still felt like shit. Like a firework. Anticipation, excitement and then… gone. It was nice to have an excuse to stay at home though. He had called in sick too many times lately, which was technically not a lie but it felt like it when his parents eyed him up and down and he had no physical symptoms of being sick or hurt.

”I’m just not feeling great,” he said and that was actually true.

He did enjoy the hannukha celebration with his family though but that was about it. The rest of the time he spent alone in his bedroom trying to figure out what to do with himself. He wondered if anybody missed him or if anybody had even noticed that he was gone. Nobody called, nobody came knocking on the door. He wondered if it was because Mike had already offered a hand and he turned it down or if it was because they didn’t care. Since he didn’t know the answer he ended up believing both things and it hurt either way because for some stupid reason he wished that they would have tried more.

It was selfish and unfair to expect people to chase you, beg on their knees for you to come back and Stanley didn’t want to be that dramatic, he just wished that somebody… cared so much about him that they’d make an effort to stay in touch, hold on to him when he drifted away. But they didn’t.

When the new year’s eve approached he wasn’t even surprised that nobody asked him if he wanted to do something, come along to a party (Richie had gotten invited to several) or just hang out, so Stanley spent the evening at home. That’s how he ended up here. Looking back at the previous new year’s eve a lot of things had changed. Last year he celebrated with Bill, Eddie and Bev. This year he didn’t even know where his friends were, even less what they were doing.

But it’s fine, he told himself and looked out the window where a group of people were singing ABBA’s happy new year-song, the whole bunch obviously drunk but happy. Just observing isn't too bad actually, he thought and cracked a little smile. Watching people is almost like watching birds, but human beings are weirder. There’s nothing graceful, beautiful about drunk herds of men, but they’re rather entertaining to spot.

There was a knock on the door that made Stan turn around on the seat.

”Stan? C-ch-can I come in?”

Stanley looked over his shoulder and stared at the door in disbelief. Before he had even answered the door opened on ajar and Bill stuck his head into the room. His hair was styled and Stanley could see that he was dressed up even without seeing his full body.

”No t-t-tie?” Bill asked and nodded towards Stan’s outfit. Albeit the smile on his lips, he looked unsure, which was an expression that didn’t match with Bill’s face. He almost looked scared. He hesitated by the door and didn’t come in.

Stanley looked down. He was just wearing some comfortable clothes that he found laying around. He didn’t even bother getting dressed most days. Why would he? He had nowhere to go. But now that Bill was looking at him he regretted not dressing up. He regretted not wearing the denim jacket like he used to. A gross thought slipped through the filter he had created: stay here with me, Bill, don’t ever leave. It was so cheesy, this was the consequence of reading too many cheesy novels, but it was true. He meant that thought. He desperately wanted Bill to stay, and if it had been anybody else who had knocked on the door, he would have pleaded for them to stay - he just needed someone to keep him company. Just for a moment.

"You can come in if you'd like," Stan said and he hoped that it didn't sound too desperate, but the thought of Bill changing his mind and leaving again was even worse than swallowing his own pride, "Please come in, actually."

Bill finally stepped in and closed the door behind him. The unsureness dwindled away and left his familiar face show, the confident, stern look that made him appear older than his actual age. He was wearing a fancy shirt, a tie, his nicest pants. He looked absolutely dashing. Stanley didn’t even know if he was allowed to look that closely but he couldn’t help it. But more important than Bill’s appearance, was his aura. It was like he bursted the bubble of isolation that had held Stanley captured for so long, filled the room up with life. The bedroom felt less like a cage and more like it used to when there was someone else in there with him. Watching people from the other side of a window glass was not the same thing as having someone close.

Stanley got up from the chair. In a way he was ashamed of letting Bill see him in this derelict state, but Bill didn't seem to mind. For a moment they faced each other in silence, Stanley wasn't sure what was coming next, whether that was sitting down again, parting ways, going for a hug or just staring at one another for the rest of their lives - but he certainly didn't expect Bill to say what he said once the pause was over.

”Ehm… w-wh-well I just thought y-you should kn-kn-know that every-he-one is waiting ou-outsi-de. W-we know that y-you’re sort of de-dep-depressed so we w-wanted to let you re-rest but there are ma-many birds d-dhying tonight because of the f-f-fhireworks, right? We want t-to help th-them but we nh-nhneed your h-h-help. If you’d l-l-like?” 

And in this moment it was perfectly apparent how Bill was just Bill. He wasn't a superhero, he wasn't invincible or perfect, but he knew how to fix things. He knew how to push forward and find solutions. Another thing that Stanley knew about Bill, and now he started laughing because it was so obscure how he could forget about his most vital characteristic - that he was so stubborn. Stanley knew that Bill's suggestion wasn't actually a suggestion, it wasn't an invitation or a question either - it was an order.

"I suppose I don't have any other choice, do I?" Stan chuckled.

His voice cracked and a tear trickled down his cheek. He wiped it away but another one followed and then another one and then another one. It was a strange reaction because despite crying, Stanley actually felt happier than he had in a very long time. Bill cracked up in a bigger smile, he seemed to understand. He put his arm around Stanley's shoulders and swept him along towards the door, not even letting him put on some nicer clothes or fix his hair first.

"No. Ih-I'm not leaving y-you he-her-here. Let's g-g-go. R-Richie's impa-impa-tient."


End file.
